So here is what will be somewhat more vague on my personal issues, and more enlightening on what amuses me, what my opinions are, my goals, dreams, desires and hopefully will help me develop my writing style.
Today has been pretty lazy. It started out really nicely and with some lovely sentiment which I wont elaborate on and, upon thinking about my actions later in the day, caused me to notice a lot of changes in myself.
If you have no interest in my feelings and soppy, sentimental stuff, I suggest skipping the italics.
I have never been an open or highly trusting person. I don't know if that's by nature or because I never really had any good friends until about half way through my teens. Once upon a time, for the first time ever I met a person who, without having to earn it, had my complete trust just because I felt that they were worthy of it.
They broke it, which is a natural thing. I have learned that it is a very difficult thing to hold someone complete trust and not damage it at least a little. I am however, a very forgiving person and I decided that they were still worthy of my trust, if I could bring myself to give it back.
This morning I finally brought myself to do so as fully as I had in the past, maybe even more so. I know, in fact I expect, that it will be broken again. I don't like to be fearful of that. I like to think I am the kind of person who can love unconditionally, and be happy that I do so without the need to be loved back. I like to think that I can fall and pick myself back up. I'd like to be a trusting person, who, on having their trust broken can mend it and trust again and again, perhaps more so each successive time.
I might not quite be there yet, but it pleases me to know that I am becoming that person. I'd always rather be reckless with my emotion than control it and hide it, particularly when it is such a nice emotion as happiness, excitement or love.
I also realized today that I feel a lot more humble and selfless than I used to. That moments like this morning are all the appreciation I need, and that being self absorbed only ruins what could otherwise be perfect simplicity of feelings. It shouldn't need explanation or elaboration. It shouldn't be expected or anticipated, planned and scheduled and picked into pieces trying to figure out what it all means.
I am the first to admit I am guilty of all of the above. I wish I'd learned to appreciate things without questioning or expecting a long time ago.
To the person who, if reading this, realizes that most of this concerns them, the only thing I want you to do is go on as you are, and learn to trust me again. It will be safer this time, I promise.
I also washed my car today, after making the discovery that I have weeds growing on it. Thats a lie actually. I went to the automatic wash, and in hindsight that may not have been such a great idea. I don't entirely trust the machine to get all the dirt out of the seals and when I remembered that water + sunshine are a great recipe for growth I started to wonder if I might walk out to a lawn on my car tomorrow. Oh well.
Then I came home to lie in the sunshine on my bed and eat sour worms while reading Little Women and missing my cat because we used to sit in the sunshine together when it shone through my window in winter. I really wish she was still around, or that I had another little friend to sit with me in the sun and doze.
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