#12: A picture of a night you regret

Well, don't get me wrong. For the most part, I did reaaally enjoy this night. I pretty much always have a great time at Bada Bing, but I was upset that the first photo I have had in ages happened to be on the night where it was wet out, and my nicely curled hair turned into fuzz when we walked there.

The part of this night I regret is the way I acted towards someone, the way I reacted to certain things and the fact that I was right, but continued to refuse to believe it for a very long time. That I let a certain someone's behaviour get to me, even though they were acting that way to hide the truth.

Everything is sorted out now, and it's time to move on.

Conjunctivitis is almost gone now. I stayed home from work and went to the doctor to get some eye drops and my eye seems okay now aside from being itchy. I had a really nice morning in bed today which I think made the gunky eye worth it.

My Titanic escapades have now been postponed again to Saturday in 3 weeks time or something. I am excited about seeing all the other exhibits in the museum too, especially finally getting to see Phar Laps hide (and I'm pretty happy about his skeleton being there too). I'm going to get a photo with him hopefully! Also can't wait to see the stuff on evolution and DNA and all that sort of fun Biology stuff. I'll be able to give Leigh a lot of lessons, and hopefully learn more stuff.

Going to the zoo on Saturday, which will be fun :D Get to see the baby elephants and also the seals (which I missed out on last time due to the new enclosure being built). I also hope to see a Tapir again, and remember to being the memory card for my camera!

Right now is bed time, due to my 7am start in the morning.

Adieu!

#17: A picture you're tagged in on Facebook that you're not actually in

This is the wombat that tried to eat me.

Last summer I went camping for a weekend in Wilsons Prom National Park with a group of my friends. On entry to the national park we were told to keep all food containers in the cars/secure because wombats would get into them. My friends (well, some of them) decided to ignore this warning.

On one of the nights we were there we were sitting around talking and drinking when a wombat wanders into our campsite and makes a beeline for the container of food. It got the lid off, climbed in and started munching on packets of mie goreng until Rawdon tipped it out. I happened to be sitting rather close to all of this, and after being ejected from the food container the wombat then turned around and bit me on the toe.

People still laugh at me when I tell them I got bitten by a wombat.

I have conjunctivitis today, and it sucks. My eye feels itchy, it's goopy and it hurts when I touch it. I know I shouldn't touch it, but I can't help it :(

If it's any worse tomorrow I'm not going to work. It's very hard to concentrate on a computer screen when you have astigmatism in one eye, and gunk in the other. I really hope it clears up before Friday! I want to look pretty and feel good for Bada Bing :D Plus dinner with work and strike with Amber before it.

Yay I can't wait for the weekend :)

#4: A picture of you very drunk

New Years Eve 09/10. An amazing night that probably would have ended better if I hadn't said to Brady "I could do another one of those," after my first shot of black absinthe and then decided to keep drinking after the second. I felt great right up to about 1am, where I took refuge on the front path. What happened to Brady after shot number two, no one really knows. He showed up in his bedroom some hours later after apparently passing out somewhere in his rather large backyard.

I remember waking up way too early the next morning, going to find Leigh and curling up next to him feeling a bit stupid and sorry for myself. What matters is that it was a good night.

2010 has been, for the most part, a good year for me. I have settled into my job pretty well, and although it wasn't where I saw myself, I like it a lot more than anything else I have done since high school. I've made new friends from it, and done things that I probably would never have done without them. I finally went overseas, I finally got into theatre, I feel like a stronger and better person. I know what I want better.

In some areas things have really been tough. Although I found those negative things completely mind consuming I didn't let it get the better of me in the end. I know that through anything I can, eventually, pick myself back up, dust myself off and get back on the horse.

We're now coming into the home stretch of the year, and although it's been such a huge one it seems to have flown by. In the last 8 months I have figured myself out a lot. I don't feel like any of the mistakes I have made have made things worse for me, and I feel like the mistakes others have made have, in a way, only made things better for me. I'd like to believe that if they didn't happen, things might be worse off than they are now.

We lost volleyball again today. I can't even say it was a valiant effort. I had fun though, as always. I wish it wasn't about who wins and who loses because I don't even care about that. I just like seeing the team once a week and having a laugh at some of the really bad shots, and the really awesome flukey shots. Even if there wasn't another team and we just hit the ball around I'd still enjoy it.

Lastly, for anyone who cares, My birthday is soon, and Bada Bing is on Friday so I am going to be celebrating. Come along and have a dance with me if you like :)

#2: A picture of you posing with someone you're no longer in contact with

Steph and Steph. I haven't seen her since my 21st, and haven't spoken to her since she went to South Africa. She was always a girl who was going places, was always lovely to everyone and I really hope that whatever she is doing, she is enjoying it. I don't know many people who I admire as much as I do her.

This photo is from back in year 12... such a very, very long time ago!

Yesterday was, well interesting. I feel emotionally and mentally exhausted. I found out that I have been lied to, by one of the few people I never expected to lie to me. And lied to about something I never, ever thought they were capable of doing. A lot of things have been thrown into chaos and now, I can no longer trust one of the few people I ever dared to.

Life goes on though, and mine is going to. I'm just shocked and confused right now. And hurt.

But, some good also came out of yesterday, and I guess I have a lot to look forward to now as well. This isn't the end of my trusting anyone, ever. My future is clearer and brighter and some things that I have been hoping for for months now are set to happen soon.

Today is a beautiful day and I have agility :) Hopefully Honey will be brave today and learn that the tunnel isn't going to eat her, even if she can't see the other end.

I can't wait to get my puppy.

Activities and Adventures.

Planning a visit to the Melbourne museum to see the Titanic Exhibit with Leigh on my birthday weekend. I am really excited about it. I have been wanting to go to the museum for aaaages. I think it will be a very nice day in the city :)

I'm actually going to be spending a lot of time in the city these next few weeks. Going to the zoo next week, then heading somewhere for dinner for Christy's birthday (happens to be the same day as mine. We are twins from different mothers) and then it's Titanic weekend, and the weekend after that I am going Ice Skating at the Ice House with Ashley, Jess and Amber and we are getting Max Brenner afterwards before possibly going to an 80's night with some other work people. Haha. That'll be an ace day!

Tonight I am so exhausted I think I will watch a few episodes of Gossip Girl then go to bed early. Luckily tomorrow is only a short day at work :) I suppose I should have some sort of dinner as well. Cheese and tomato toastie is sounding awesome right about now! I am getting sick again I think, so the laziness will do me good. I hope.

Because I loved him.

I'm posting another photo of Jordan, because I think he has a handsome face and I miss him. Before he got a bad temper, he was the best. I wish he never changed.

Today was a day that started pretty quick, but slowed down a bit at the end. I am glad to finally be home and about to crawl into my delicious bed even though it's not quite 10pm yet. The next two days are going to be a little bit hectic at work and I still don't have a chance to catch up on my back log. Eh, I'm coming to terms with the fact that there will always be a back log. The important thing is that I hide away all my "things to do" in a little drawer and no one will ever know.

:)

Kidding...maybe.

As long as I find a bit of time before Christmas.

Planning for our Christmas party is well and truly in full swing now. I'm trying to decide if I want to get a (discounted) room at the hotel we are having the event in the city, or just drive home. I also have decided which skirt I want to wear, have to go out and get a top to wear with it, have decided to get my hair done professionally (because the only time I have even had it done is when I was a flower girl) and need to figure out if I want a new pair of shoes/clutch bag/necklace. Haha, and that's just my planning.

Being a girl is fun :D

Also need to find out if the plus 1 I invited is actually interested in coming or not. If they are I think we should get the room ^.^

On that note, I am going to bed. Night all.

#18: A picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't

Before there was jobs, and clubbing, and boyfriends, this is the guy I spent all my free time with. Jordan. The best, and the worst pony I ever had anything to do with. He was the best because he was clever, he learned things quickly and he was totally adapted to me, and I him. When I first rode him, he was an 8 year old pony who hadn't really learnt much. We learned from each other and knew each other pretty well. He always knew what I was asking him to do, even from the slightest signal. I always knew when he was going to try to throw me off and managed to stop him. For the first few years of riding him he was a pretty good natured horse. I used to hang out in the paddock with him, he had a lot of personality and would follow me around or let me sit on him while he grazed. After awhile he started becoming grumpy and even dangerous at times. I still feel nervous around horses now, even old school horses who basically ignore everyone around them. I gained a lot of confidence in my riding from him, but lost a lot of confidence in handling horses because of him. I am itching to get back around horses, to build myself up again and one day find myself a sweet tempered pony with intelligence like Jordan, and less of a stubborn streak.

I actually miss riding in general. It was a huge part of my life between the ages of 8 and 17. Once Jordan became too much for me I sort of lost all my opportunities for riding. I had year 12 to think about, Mum wouldn't pay for lessons any more and there were no more decent ponies on offer for me to ride. I fell out of the habit, and even though I can afford it now I am yet to get into it.

I went riding a few times in England, and they were absolutely the best times I had over there. One of these days I will get in touch with my old riding instructor. One of these days I will get my finances in order and make sure I can afford the upkeep of a pony.

But I have been saying one of these days for a long time now. It's one of the few things that I never got around to. But, England took me 4 years to achieve and I finally got there. Maybe I will get myself into gear and go for it soon.

The one problem I have is that if I do get a horse, I don't know if I will be able to continue to keep it once I move out and have a lot more financial responsibility. I think the main thing holding me back is that I worry if I do go ahead with it, I'll have to give it up. I dunno... but yeah. I do wish I could go back to the pony club days.

#29: A picture that describes how you'd like to spend every day

I think I'm going to leave this one open to interpretation :)

Off to rehearsals soon to get my song and play some games and hopefully it will be fun. I am STILL over tired and will hopefully be able to go straight to bed when I get home.
Leigh said we're getting fundraiser chocolate. If any of you guys need a fix, I can hook you up ;)

Now, if only I knew what I wanted for dinner...

#10: A picture you might have edited to make yourself more attractive

I photoshop almost every self portrait I take. Usually just little thing, like getting rid of pimples, or bags under my eyes. Sometimes I just like to adjust the contrast an saturation to give the picture more boldness. I did that with this one, and also upped the saturation of my pupils because I always have wished my eyes were more vivid.

(by the way, I know it doesn't look like it but I am wearing shorts, they're just really short!)

Man I'm pasty. I like my skin though. It's nice to be a bit different to the girls who cover themselves in fake tan. I get a lot of compliments about my skin. It used to be really bad. I am actually still taking the contraceptive pill my doctor gave me when I was 16 to try to clear up my skin. I'm worried that if I stop taking it, even now, my break outs will get really bad again even though I have a pretty good cleansing routine. Aside from my face though, I probably wouldn't change anything about it.

Today was a pretty average day. Even though someone put a really huge smile on my face last night, by morning tea time today I was just feeling kind of dull and listless. I was catching up on a backlog of crap work and everyone on my side of the desk was gone, so I was pretty much isolated most of the day. After lunch I hit my knee really hard on the corner of my drawer and I'm pretty sure it's going to be stiff and purple tomorrow D:
On the plus side, we decided to get coffee lady to come on Monday's so I got a surprise hot chocolate, which I was actually kind of craving.

Tonight was good though. Caught up with my most favouritest cousin for a well overdue talk about life in general. It was good to talk to her about things, and find out what the hell has been going on with her. It was kind of funny too, because even though it wasn't really an advice giving talk some of what she said to me about her life made me feel a lot better about some of the things going on in mine and given me some ideas on how to approach it. I feel really validated now, after talking to her. I can't even remember how long it's been since I actually saw her.

Now it's bed time, because I didn't get anywhere near enough sleep over the weekend and I am exhausted!

#9: A picture of you making a goofy face at the camera

Luke Andrew and I, being hardcore.

Tina invited me to one of her friends 21st last night, which I am very glad she did. All in all I had a pretty brilliant night, so thanks Tina :D

I have learned that I should not be allowed in places if there is a bar tab now that I drink wine. Especially when I haven't drunk in four months. I had four glasses of Chardonnay and I was well and truly inebriated. Luckily I was quite a happy drunk and spent my night dancing and singing and having conversations that I don't remember.

Note to self: at this years work Christmas party DO NOT have any more than three glasses of wine. It's fine with friends, but you do not want to be the one that does it in front of your bosses.



Madie and I. Having fun!

When I got home I was almost too drunk to even get undressed and put my trakkies and t-shirt on to sleep in.

Today I was going to go shopping, but I think I will postpone and watch dvds instead. Then volleyball tonight! I hope we don't lose by too much. Apparently my brother is playing.

Wishing for the sunshine.

I really wish the weather would hurry up and start being amazing. Rain is good, but I wish it was more moderated. I'm sick of rain for days on end, then one or two nice days, then rain for the next week. I want sunshine to warm me up and provide just the right kind of weather for adventures and sitting outside.

Last night was pretty good, it didn't turn out the way I expected. The plan was to be alone, grab some dinner, play RockBand and Lego Harry Potter and have a few drinks, then stay up really late watching movies until we couldn't keep our eyes open. Instead, we grabbed dinner, had a few drinks and played some RockBand, then Andi came over, we watched Kickass then Andi left and Leigh was so tired we just crashed. At 11 o'clock.

It was a pretty fun night, it just wasn't what I was looking forward to. We didn't even get to have our dessert D:

This morning I went with him to Hastings to get some stuff, then cuddled up with Kovu for a bit before coming home. Now I have my friend's daughter's 2nd birthday party before dog club, if I bother with dog club. I can't decide if I should go because the weather may not hold up. The sun just came out but there are a tonne of clouds. Maybe I'll go to the party a bit later so I can see how the weather goes.

Ooh and I just got plans for tonight. Looking forward to some fun times :D

#24: A picture of your fashion "'DON'T"

Flanny, gumboots, and I'm pretty sure my jeans are too short. No way I'd be caught dead in this outfit any more.

The blonde curls are pretty wicked though. I kind of think my head resembles a sheep. Haha.

It's finally Friday, which means La Lupa, pear cider and moscato, movies and Lego Harry Potter with Leigh tonight! I am excited, even if Andi is coming to crash our little party, like some kind of big party crasher (haha, but seriously, hope you have an amazing trip). I even went to JB HiFi and bought Kickass so we can watch it because it's awesome.

I also bought another movie, and Gossip Girl season three. I'm usually well behaved at JB but I spent a bit much today :D

I'm so glad it's the weekend!

Not so lazy Stephy!

I always think of myself as someone who is lazy. I hardly clean my stuff, I always make quick meals when I need to cook for myself (think tomato and cheese toasties, eggs on toast, etc) and when I sit down I usually wind up falling asleep.

But I realised, I am actually quite an active person.

I work full time.
Tuesdays and Wednesdays I have theatre
Saturdays I have dog agility
Sundays I play volleyball

and soon I will be taking up Zumba on Monday's.

And here I am saying that over summer I will spend so much time at the beach, going for walks and adventures, etc. I'm not sure where I will fit it all in! And I'm not surprised that I haven't seen some of my friends in a month or so.

Today at lunchtime Nicole and I went on an excursion to OfficeWorks to find some storagey things to clean up our desks. I am glad I don't have to move all my crap to another desk, but I have so many random sheets of paper and bits and pieces that my in tray is just chaos. I hate being the one with the messy desk, with crap I don't need everywhere. I bought a little box of drawers for my paperwork and got rid of the crap and now my desk is a much more pleasant place. My drawer is still untidy, but I don't really look in there much so it's ok. Now I know where to find stuff, and my box orders don't get buried under repairs and quotes. Tonight I am going to type up a sheet with all the suppliers phone numbers and postal addresses so they are easier to find when I need them :)

I tidied up my room on the weekend though, and now I can't find a scarf, a pair of good shoes and a brand new t-shirt that I hadn't even cut the tags off yet. Never tidying up again, except to get rid of rubbish. The floordrobe and the bedrobe remain!

#21 A picture you had no idea was being taken

Playing pool at Strike one night last year. I'm not very good at pool, but due to some Strike and Pool House adventures I am at least good enough to keep up with most of my friends. I've played some awesome fluke shots, and even managed to do a few awesome shots that did what I was trying to do. I haven't been out for a pool night in ages though, and I want one soon. I'm going to Strike for one of my birthday celebrations though, so I'm sure I'll get in more than a couple games :)

I am sad that those jeans have holes in the bum now :( They are comfy and I like them. Why do awesome clothes have to wear out?

#6 A picture of you from younger years.

I'm not sure how far back I am supposed to go, but I was about 6 months old here. Two months later I started walking. I was a very fast learner. Hopefully I still am.

Yes, I was a ranga baby. I went blonde from about 18 months.

I have been told many times that I was a terrible baby. I screamed constantly, I was allergic to almost everything and when I wasn't having a bad reaction to food, I was colicky. I really hope that when I have kids I don't ever have ones like me. I'm not sure how long it took me to grow out of all of those problems, but I am allergy and colic free these days. Hooray!

Guh, I am so tired tonight. I just got home from rehearsal and I think, once I have eaten my chocolate mousse, it is bed time!

Photo Project.

I think I am going to start a little assignment on here, in hopes of giving myself something to write about and not letting this become stale and repetitive. I found a list on someone else's blog (Hi Jess! Thanks for your comment by the way. I feel inspired and motivated by your words) and I'm going to adapt it into a daily thing. One photo per day and I will write an explanation, a story, or just write how I feel.

Here is the list.


#1: A picture of you in your room

#2: A picture of you posing with someone you're no longer in contact with

#3: A picture with a former crush

#4: A picture of you very drunk

#5: A picture of you on your birthday

#6: A picture of you from younger years

#7: A picture of you in one of your favourite outfits

#9: A picture of you making a goofy face at the camera

#10: A picture you might have edited to make yourself more attractive

#11: A picture of your special someone

#12: A picture of a night you regret

#13: A picture of you showing off your new haircut

#14: A picture of you truly being yourself

#15: Your most recent picture

#16: A picture of you being absolutely ridiculous

#17: A picture you're tagged in on Facebook that you're not actually in

#18: A picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't

#19: A picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more thankful that it is

#20: A picture of your favourite doll/toy

#21: A picture you had no idea was being taken

#22: A picture of you when you were anything but happy... even if you were smiling and did your best to hide it

#23: A picture of you when you were a different person than who you are now

#24: A picture of your fashion "'DON'T"

#25: A picture of you with someone you love

#26: A picture of how you'd like the world to see you

#29: A picture that describes how you'd like to spend every day

#30: A picture of one of the best times of your life


So, hopefully, I can find one picture a day according to the following titles. I'm not sure if I will do them in order. I might just pick whatever feels fun at the time. For today, I'll start with number one.

A picture of you in your room.



This doesn't need a lot of explanation. It's pretty simple, it's fairly recent. I think I look older than I usually do in this photo, and I'm not sure if I feel like I really look like myself at all. I just can't work out if I like the photo or not!

It's one of the only natural(ish) photos I could find though, since no one else ever really comes into my room and takes photos of me. My room is kind of a deserted place. Always untidy, with clothes everywhere- I actually sleep with clothes on the bed. I'm embarrassed by it, but I don't really have any interest in keeping it clean. The only other creature to come in here is my dog Honey, and she doesn't care.

I like my bedroom though. It's my favourite room in this house. It's the warmest and sunniest. It makes me feel nice.

Lunchtime

Lunchtime at work, eating leftover stir fry and thinking maybe I should go outside and enjoy the sunshine while I can.

I had to have a 12 o'clock lunch today, instead of 1 o'clock which I don't like. Having later lunch always makes the day go a bit faster! Today is pretty boring stuff as well. We are having a store relocation so I am sorting stock and putting it on the display stuff. Hopefully we are nearly done though cause I an not much enjoying this. I'm actually starting to feel a bit swamped at work. There has been so much urgent stuff to do that a lot of my normal stuff is piling up D:

Tonight a few of the girls and I are going to Amber's for Ashley's birthday dinner. Amber is going to cook us something undoubtedly delicious. Only problem is that I miss out on rehearsal, but there will be one tomorrow.

I feel a bit bleh today. Not sure why. I have a few issues I'm hoping to clear up soon, but I am a little worried about how they are going to be resolved. Anything that happens will be for the best though,

Hair.

I wish mine grew faster. April LAST year I decided to stop straightening my hair every day and try to get it to grow. I don't think it is actually any longer despite the fact that I really have eased off with the straightening iron, have started using leave in moisturiser and conditioning treatments and never really used a blow dryer to begin with.

When I was 12 I got my hair cut to just below the shoulder. By the time I was 13 it had reached the length I wish it was now. If my hair grew that fast now it would be almost waist length! I don't really want it quite that long, but I could have had hair cuts!

Aside from the fact it doesn't grow, I do like my hair. It's not so great when I leave it to it's own devices, it kinda kinks in weird directions and wont sit right and pokes me in the eye. I like it because it's really thick, and I can straighten it and curl it pretty easily. On the days I can't be bothered (or the days I do convince myself not to kill my hair with extreme heat) I just braid it and it looks pretty decent.

Actually, I know some of my hair is growing. The layers must be longer cause I can now braid my hair without half of it falling out!

I just get annoyed, because I know that if my hair was 3 or 4 inches longer, it would probably sit nicer when left naturally and I wouldn't feel the need to kill it with the straightener.

Anyway, once again I am going to keep track and try to get my hair 3 inches longer by next winter. We'll see how that goes.

Also, tonight I found a spot on my back (like a mole/big freckle) that I think I am going to keep my eye on this summer. I never burn, surprisingly, but I guess my skin is still pretty susceptible to sun damage.

Conclusions.

Based on my post last night, I got to thinking.

I feel like I have been settling for less than I deserve lately. Yeah, I am so close to being as happy as I know I can be, and yes, I have experienced a few moments where everything was perfect. I had one of those moments on the weekend in fact, but I realised that things could be like that all the time. Why do I only get those moments sometimes when there is potential for every day to be just as wonderful.

I'm not quite in the place I want to be. I told myself I was where I want to be, that I was as happy as I can be at the moment, but I'm not. There is room for improvement and I have to try to get it. If I can't then I'm heading in the wrong direction and I need to look somewhere else for whatever it is. This is such a tough thing for me. The prospect of giving up something that is almost perfect, something that makes me really happy but isn't quite satisfactory. I hate that, I don't even want to think about doing it, but if things are going to be stuck at this level it's just not good enough for me. I know things can be better, so how can I leave them the way they are and tell myself that I am happy?

I hate those moments where you're finally honest with yourself, and you realise that you've been hiding from an ugly truth. Now you know it, you can't unknow it. You're just stuck either living with a lie, or pulling apart every goddamn brick you built to start everything again. You thought you were happy, that everything was peachy, but now you can never feel that way again until you uproot everything and ruin things, and hurt people and do something so frightening that you wish you could have just never figured out the truth; change.

Now I don't hate change. I've always loved the idea that change can bring things you never imagined possible. Hell, about three years ago I bit the bullet and did the very thing I felt I could never do. The minute it was done the world was such a better place, and along came the best thing I ever had the privilege of calling mine, literally days after I finally achieved what I knew I needed to do for so long.

This time though, I can't see myself being so well rewarded. I really, really hope that I figure out how to make things amazing without having to go backwards and reconstruct a huge part of my life. What I WANT is to make it all go smoother, and simpler and unleash the potential for amazingness that I know is there. There are risks there too, if there weren't, there wouldn't be potential for things to be better. They are worth it to me. I'd rather take the risk of ruining everything after I know I had given it my best shot, than to let it all go now and wonder what might have happened.

Sometimes I think I am braver than I give myself credit for. I'm not afraid of being hurt emotionally. I'm not afraid of failure. I'm not afraid of change.

I hope no one viewed this as a negative blog. It wasn't exactly supposed to be inspirational and motivational, but I'm not sad (yet) or upset or angry. I guess I am a little disappointed in myself for letting this go on so long, but hopeful that things go the way I want them to.

Ink.

This is my tattoo. It was done almost exactly a year ago (I think it's about 5 days shy). I made the design a long time before that. It was a sunny day, I was at uni in one of my annoyingly long gaps between a lecture and a prac. I was sitting in the place I usually sat; grassy, next to my agriculture lab because it was between all my classes and the Agora, which was basically the food court/social centre of the uni. I'd been trying to come up with the perfect design for months. I must have just been in the precisely correct mind frame at the point, because within about 10 minutes I'd drawn the crude sketch.

My tattoo has a lot of meaning, which manifested (it took me about 15 minutes to get that word out, I just couldn't think of it) in the form of a horse, which I guess is a meaning in itself. It's not hard to guess why that is. Horse riding has always been my passion, my source of happiness and relaxation. Horses, for me, are an image of total bliss, and escape when I need it.

The significance in the tattoo itself is a lot like that. It's a reminder that I once experienced (well, more than once) complete bliss, that I can be absolutely happy and that I deserve to be. It also serves as inspiration to do whatever I can to stay that happy, or to find it again if I lose it. Never to settle for anything less than I once felt, even if I spend my entire life striving for that and only that.

The simple design, as well as being a little more subtle, reflects that things should be simple. That the greatest pleasure comes from the simplest treasure. I'm going to get something to that effect written either underneath the horse, or somewhere else on my body.

I had it done last September, when a lot of my life was going down hill. I'd lost the boy I was completely in love with, I'd dropped out of uni and a lot of my days involved staying in bed til 3 o'clock because I had no other reason to get up, and I was fairly depressed. I'd even had to have a blood test done because I had lost over 10% of my body weight, which for me is not a good thing. I suppose the decision to finally go out and get it done was supposed to inspire me to do something about it all, to strive for that happiness.

I've never really been completely open about my tattoo before. I always liked the idea of keeping it's secret to myself. This blog is all about sharing important parts of myself, so I figure I should share that too, as it's a pretty big thing.

I'm amazed that this blog hasn't become just another boring diary. I always had this tendency to just write really mundane blow-by-blow accounts of my day, or I poured my soul into something that was far more personal than I was willing to share. This actually shows a bit depth and gives you guys a way of seeing what I really think and feel.

Just so you know, I'm on my way to finding that happiness again. I think I am pretty damn close to it. Some moments, I even manage to find it.

The weekend I was not so lazy.

Today I was hoping to be out of bed by 9am. The alarm didn't go off though, so I wasn't. This is not a good start to the not so l azy day.

I was also going to go to Chadstone to do a days worth of shopping. That didn't happen either D:

Instead I hung out with Leigh, and we went to see his sister and watched Black Books while he got his washing done (one of the downsides to not having electricity is not being able to do your own washing). After that we parted ways, and I decided to go to Frankston to try to find some of the things I needed. I saw Leigh's car there and texted him and we then had some food together before I went and bought a few things, then ran into Leigh and Brady and we went to look at cute animals in the pet shop before Leigh left for his dad's and Brady went elsewhere.

I went into Myer and found a cute t-shirt that I liked a lot, so I bought it and it was one of the first times in ages that I have been to Myer and bought something and actually paid full price for it. Usually when I go there I'll take my stuff to the counter and it scans up a lot cheaper than the price tag says. I suppose you can't get surprise bargains every day though :(

Then I went to volleyball. The thing about volleyball for our team is that you really have to be able to just enjoy the game, and not care about results. Most weeks we lose by about 50 points. This week we lost by about 50 points, when the other team only had three players. We had six players. We're just that good D:

Then I came home and made stir fry according to the ingredients Amber told me to use and it was the best stir fry I have ever had cooked from home. Thanks Amber!

Oh yeah. I also bought Jolly Ranchers in Frankston. They are awesome!

Dandenongs

Leigh and I went on an adventure to Mt Dandenong today. It was kind of chilly, but turned out to be a good day for it as we got pretty warm while we were walking.


Found this guy just sitting there when we parked.


Some pathway... it is quite pretty there.


Plane crashed here.  No plane is left, just a sign to say it was there.


:)


Niiiiiice view!


Hi there, Melbourne!


Sitting in the Giant's chair. Looks like I shrunk XD


Mitch <3's me. Haha. I dunno who Mitch is... but this amused me.

After we trekked around the mountain and some roads, got some coffee and sat on the Giant's Chair we went to a little crepe restaurant for lunch. I had peaches and cream crepes which were delicious, but filling and I felt sad that I couldn't eat them all. Then we drove home and I got ditched by Leigh so he could redraft the script, but there was some talk of going to see a movie at the Drive In later. I wonder if Scott Pilgrim is showing...

I cleaned my car yesterday. Inside and out. All that I really have left to do is the windows, and then get the paint fixed. I feel a little less embarrassed now that it's not covered in dirt and bird poo!

Sunshine

Today started to feel like summer. I sat in my car at lunch time and ate yesterdays leftover salad and enjoyed being warm in the sun. I felt like going to the beach but the wind probably would have made me cold.

I amused myself by watching delivery trucks drive past our driveway, realise their mistake and then have to reverse back down the road. Using a different gate really fucks with those guys!

After lunch I was all jittery and restless and got really frustrated with my work. I just wanted to go for a walk and dance or something. It was weird. Unfortunately I do not get paid to walk and dance, so I had to sit still and be frustrated and jittery.

This Sunday I think I will go shopping and buy some summer/spring clothes for work, even though I will probably have to wear a jacket the whole time I am at work anyway cause the air conditioner always makes the place too cold for me anyway. I will also need more summer/spring clothes for outside work, but they can double up.

I'm reeaaally hungry right now. Dinner time yet?

This is a good combination.

That was a day filled with good things.

3am

My blog had 24 page views at 3am last night.

Who reads a blog at 3am?!?

Cast.

Leigh announced the roles we will be playing in the show tonight. There was only one role that I really expressed any interest in, even though there were quite a few I would have been happy to play. The one I mentioned was Sleeping Beauty, and Leigh told me it was a role I would probably like. I got it :D

Chuffed!

I'm having a lot of fun at rehearsals, even though it's only the third week. I've been talking to more people in the cast and making better friends and keeping quiet while Leigh is talking so he doesn't yell at me is hard (though it's hard to take Leigh seriously when he yells at me) and I am glad I wound up signing up for this. I might be tired all the time, but that's ok, because my character is constantly falling asleep anyway!

It's nice to have something to do other than work and wait for weekends.




This summer I think my routine is going to change a little, and I'm going to take my camera everywhere. I already know I'll be spending as many days and evenings at the beach as I can, and I'll use that as a good chance to walk and swim and hopefully my fitness will improve. Summer also means fruit, so I think my diet may improve a little. I'll never be one to completely cut out fats and carbs and avoid 98% of foods, but I think I could definitely add more of the better things to my diet as well. It might make me feel fresher and brighter. Eventually I hope to start horse riding regularly again, and going out more to do all the random stuff I wanna do. I want to go ice skating and roller skating. I want to go for walks in national parks. I want to go for long drives to small towns just to get lunch. I want to find a whole lot of little things to appreciate, and simple memories to look back on. The smaller milestones, for me at least, have always been the most memorable. I guess that's because they never had the hype leading up to them, it was just an unexpected pleasure.

I was talking to Leigh a few months ago and we were discussing the best parts of our relationship. We both agreed that there were so many more little, underestimated moments that we cherished more than big events. I think that holds true for all my memories, not just the ones with Leigh.

So, I guess that's what I want to do. I don't want to plan big events, or anticipate "special" dates, or make a big deal of things. I just want to go where I feel, do what takes me fancy and appreciate the moments that are small but nice.

Of course, I did say "this summer" things will change, but hopefully I don't have to wait til then.

P.S. I was really excited that I can remember the code to turn the picture into a link. Go me!

One of those days

I got dressed this morning and noticed much too late that my only pair of stockings had a nice big hole halfway up the outside of one leg. By morning tea time it had expanded from my bum to below my knee. By lunch time I noticed a new hole of the top of my thigh. By afternoon it had doubled in size. By the time I went home I basically had little threads hanging off me, rather than a pair of stockings.

I hate hosiery sometimes. It's definitely necessary though. I hate not wearing stockings. Sometimes I even wear them with pants!

Today a customer called me to enquire about a T.W. Steel watch. He told me he wanted a black one and wanted to know if we had them in stock. Yes, we have black ones. Is that your only prerequisite, or were you looking for a particular style?

I was also going through faulty watches that needed to go back to the supplier. They send us cards to say what the stock is, what's wrong with it, which store it's from etc. In the part where it says description you'd usually write if it's ladies or gents, gold plated or stainless steel, analogue or digital, etc. On one someone had written "Citizen watch".
Very informative. Without that description I probably would have mistaken it for a Pandora bead.

Tomorrow is going to be such a lovely, chilled day at work. I hope the weather is nice too.

Better get going to rehearsals now. Maybe Leigh and Jeremy will be able to tell me what role I will be playing.

I'm really no good at blog titles...

I like my job. The best part about it is that I work with awesome people who I like to hang out with outside of work. I have never really had that before. When I worked at Safeway there was a girl called Michelle and I spent a few days doing stuff with her (we once played bingo, and I am in fact quite keen to do that again) but I'm not really in touch with her these days.

I like that it's a pretty relaxed place. Yeah, we have to work at maximum capacity obviously. It's not like we have to keep our mouths shut and have strict uniforms. There are always people telling funny stories, people bringing in food they cooked, people dressed in jeans and  lots of gossip. In an office where women are dominant, there is very little bitchiness. The directors know how to laugh at themselves and at us when we get caught saying something that is a little inappropriate. It's a really good atmosphere. I never feel awkward asking questions about things I should probably know, and I like that I keep getting new responsibilities every now and then (even though some I don't really enjoy). I'm glad mum's friend put in a good word for me. Right now it is exactly the kind of thing I want to be doing.

Another good thing is that at work, everyone pools a little bit of money and you get a birthday present. If it is your birthday you also have to make a cake. My birthday is in four weeks and I need an awesome recipe. Help me out anyone? I think I am going to make cupcakes. Once, one of our area managers bought in two massive snot blocks (vanilla slices for those that are ignorant) that his wife made. They lasted about three days. I have never devoured so much custard in such a short space of time before or since then.

Although since Amber started working there a few people have just let her make a cake for them. It's a win-win situation for everyone though, really. Amber is a chef and makes the best cakes, people who aren't so good with the domestic skills don't have to bring in a disaster, and Amber gets to cook for everyone, which she says is something she likes doing. So, win-win-win really.

I'd like to make my own. This year at least.

I hope the weather gets better soon. I'd really love to get out and start enjoying the sunshine again. I miss sitting outside with the sun warming me up and birds and insects hanging out. I think my dogs miss is too. My chickens probably just miss having dry feet. I'd like to spend a lot more time outdoors this summer. Even if I am just sitting around. Hopefully at the beach. I really can't wait for my fortnight off in Feb. If anyone wants to be my beach buddy let me know! You'll just have to be cool with hanging out with two idiot dogs, one yapping and the other going ball crazy. Hopefully I will be able to get into agility a bit more. I have a feeling Honey would be improving so quickly if I was training regularly. It's a bit hard at the moment with training at dog club being so inconsistent, and the weather being crap when it is scheduled. Ahh well. When I get my proper agility puppy I'll make sure I'm more motivated.



Here are my girls. Fink (kelpie looking one) and Honey (the innocent and cute looking one who either has no brains, or is secretly being fed caffeine). Once upon a time they actually remembered their obedience training and both dropped where I told them to and stayed when I told them to and let me take a nice photo without moving. Honey blatantly ignores me now, and Fink will listen sometimes, but not if it's going to be inconvenient.



And here is what my puppy will be when I get him. An Australian Shepherd. Kind of a mix between the two I have now really. I can't wait to have a little ball of fluff who squirms in my lap and whuffs at me and runs with his legs out all over the place :D He will be my constant companion and come with me everywhere (even on visits to work some days, cause my office is also awesome enough to let us bring pets for show and tell).

This weekend I am going to Mt Dandenong with Leigh for a big walk (if the weather is ok- according to iPhone it will be). I'm looking forward to that. Perhaps the start of a lot more outdoor adventures for me. I'm debating whether to bring the dogs; I heard it's really muddy and I don't need them messing up my car. They'd love it though. I'm not really sure how much exercise Fink is up for these days though. She's starting to show her age and hasn't had much exercise in months so she'll be pretty unfit. Then again, so am I. I'm sure she could keep up with me XD

Now I am off to read another book and get an early night.

735

That's the number of page views I have had on my blog.

Lurkers, make yourself known!

I have my suspicions on who some of you are anyway.

Fave boys.

Two of my favourite boys. Best friend, and my kitty. He's not exactly MY cat really, Leigh did pay for him and there was no question that Leigh would keep him. But, Kovu and Leigh would never have found each other if it wasn't for me, and I still reckon I count as Kovu's hoomin because I buy him toys and treats and he likes to cuddle with me when I visit and meows at me if I don't pay attention to him. He loves me.

I loved the days when I'd stay at Leigh's house and Kovu would come in at 5 in the morning and try to wake us up. Leigh always used to sleep through his meowing (by some miracle) so he would come right up to my ear and meow at me til I let him under the blanket and cuddled him. When I wasn't there he used to look for me. He still counts as mine :3

Today my day consisted of these two. As well as all that wetness you can see in the paddock. I spent some time cuddling with Kovu, got lunch with Leigh and he showed me DJ hero.

I found it a little bit entertaining that we haven't had power at home most of the day. It still keeps going out for a few minutes at a time every so often. Leigh, who's new house still isn't connected to electricity has a generator. They have had power all day while everyone else goes without XD

We were meant to have most of the day to hang out, but Leigh needed to fix his water pump which delayed my getting there, and then we needed to go out and get lunch and by the time we had done that we had less than an hour to chill. It was a good afternoon, just cut too short. As happens quite a bit. It's okay though :)

Had volleyball afterwards. We lost very badly again. It looked like we might do alright at first, but we didn't. Oh well. Maybe one day we'll be half decent. At least I only missed two of my serves this week.

Kovu, sleepin in Leigh's bed. We had such a good lookin' child ;D Completely nuts, and probably not all there, but good lookin'.

Well then.

I haven't got out of bed yet today. I don't know why but it's after 6pm and all of today's activities have taken place right here.

I really need to do something tomorrow. I feel like today has been such a waste.

:/

Last night,

was soooo much fun! I had an absolute blast. Start at Chris' 21st hanging out with the school buddies and catching up and doing the chicken dance. Had some moscato (just a little cause I was driving) and took lotsa photos and laughed at Chris' baby photos and had a nice time :)

After eating some yummy cake I went out to Bada Bing for more awesome times. I got there and kinda went around looking for all the people I know to say hi and chilling for a bit. Danced to a few random songs that were awesome, lost most of the group I was with, found them again and then most of them left!

The thing I have found about Bada Bing is that you should not leave. The last hour/hour and a half is ALWAYS the best part of the night. So I roped Trent into staying and hung out with other people and watched and waited even though I wasn't a fan of the music. My patience was rewarded though at about 2am when the dj started playing music I liked. We had a very hearty rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody which was just awesome, and the rest of the songs for the night were ones I loved and I danced my little heart out, and killed my poor little feet with my heels.

Then we had to leave about 3am and I wound up with 4 people in my car, and Cayne in the boot driving in the crappy weather to a house that no one could accurately direct me to.

Haha so I had a good night.

The only one downside was that someone I was looking forward to seeing couldn't make it :( I hope we have a night out together soon.

Today I wanted to go shopping, but I am not sure if I can be bothered. Maybe I will save it for tomorrow or next week and go to the pancake parlour for dinner instead.

Wow.

Tonight looks like it going to be huge, and even though I am driving I am hoping it will be a pretty massive night for me in terms of fun. I am super psyched to be getting ready now.

I have this massive bruise on my knee though, from dying at theatre. It's purple and red and big and ugly and it showed even through my black stockings today. I really hope concealer can sort that one out because there is not much worse than being perfectly turned out, but having a big bruise to ruin everything.

Today had been pretty good so far. I got woken up at 5am but it was okay because the animals were being REALLY adorable. It was actually worth being woken up for XD

Then I had a a really weird dream before I had to wake up properly the ended in me trying to go to the toilet while Chris M and Andi were sitting in the chatting.

Bit of privacy, guys?

Haha.

Had my short day at work, and it was all pretty cruisy and I am amazed that it is almost 5 o'clock already :O

Hooray my brother is getting me nandos for dinner.

Anyway, I best stop my blogging and finish getting ready :D

Excited!

Tomorrow is Friday, which is very excellent news. I have a very big night planned for tomorrow and I am looking forward to it immensely.

I get to finish work early, then come home and spend leisurely hours getting ready and making myself look pretty before Chris' 21st. Yay. It will be fun to party party with my friends and I am looking forward to it. Then towards the end of that party I will make my way to Bada Bing to rock out with some other awesome friends and who ever else I run into (which is usually most of the people I know). The best thing about Bada Bing is definitely all the people I run into and catching up with them all. And dancing with Emily. That is also my favourite thing.

Then Saturday I think I am going to go shopping for some new spring time work clothes (even though the temperature is always the same at work) and clean my bedroom. Sunday is currently a mystery but it will definitely involve a sleep in.

This week has been alright. I got my first ever speeding ticket which I was kind of annoyed about. It's for doing 64 in a 60 zone on my way to work the other day. Hopefully because of my so far faultless driving record, and the fact that it is only 4km/h over I can write a letter and get off with a warning.

I had some good news too and it marks the start of a new adventure in my life. When I know more about it I am sure I will keep you informed.

And workshopping/rehearsals for the new play are going quite good too.

Anyway, I have this weird feeling of dread that I am going to be very upset soon. As long as it is not tomorrow. Tomorrow all I want is to be happy and for things to go well and live up to my expectations.